Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he just fucked me for my cheese..
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
