Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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