Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
