they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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