I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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