I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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