Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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