need another drink. this is the easiest way
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Drunk is not a location!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
