I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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