I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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