I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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