Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
