I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
