Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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