The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
