I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He passed out mid-signature
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
