i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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