There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
