i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
