you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
