i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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