You made me cry and you don't even care
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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