i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
