Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
