Your dad touched me again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
