Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
