i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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