mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
