I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize