The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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