So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
