It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
