I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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