I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
