he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
