think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
