I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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