i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
