May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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