My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
