Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
