It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
