Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
