I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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