Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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