you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
