so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
