The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
