Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
