On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You are a genius and a whore.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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