He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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