Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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