I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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