You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
