I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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