So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
