How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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