Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
