I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
