I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
