Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
