The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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