New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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