You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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