don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
