The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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