I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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