who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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