I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
